FYI I neglected to leave a notice here... I started a new blog which is not connected to my work e-mail address.
malinamylife.blogspot.com
A Day in the Life of Malina
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Superhero, Cape and All!
This
summer has been quite trying for me.
A
week ago I discovered a lump in my breast. For the duration of every single one
of the days leading up to a few moments ago, I incessantly argued with myself
in my head about the reasons I can or cannot have breast cancer. I awoke this
morning after a series of nightmares which seemed to encapsulate every fear
that I was facing in anticipation of today. I mundanely dressed after my shower
and despite the sweltering temperatures outside, neglected to put on deodorant per
the breast center’s instructions. I left my apartment, passing my hermit
neighbor and forcing out a high-pitched hello to which he responded with his
typical staring at the floor as if it were about to rip open and suck him into
some fiery chasm. I felt like smacking the glasses right off his face, because
damn it I needed that friendly hello back today.
I
entered my car and began to drive to what I felt was my imminent demise. It
must have been quite a sight to the neighboring cars as I alternated between
drying my eyes and armpits with the stack of old napkins I had in my center
console. I composed myself in the parking lot as I sat staring at the sign
hovering over the spot I had parked in “breast care patient only.” I felt as
though everyone who witnessed my choice in parking would judge me…labeling me
as part of a statistic. I felt as though my individuality was slowly slipping
away; but really what would it be to add one more medical problem to the
laundry list I have collected throughout this life?
Once
I was in the examination room I was told to undress from the waist up and put
on the garment. I got undressed and glanced at my breasts in the mirror. I
couldn’t help but wonder if there was an evil glint in my nipples’s eyes as
they seemed to be gazing up at me with a ‘we can kill you, you know’ look on their face. I unfolded my provided
garment which appeared to be a sort of cape. There were no sleeves, just a button
snap at the neck.
To
spare you the dirty details I will skip over the part where I was man-handled
by a bunch of different women and machines feeling up my breasts, all the while
making strange noises which are WAY too easy to read into whist waiting to hear
test results. I mean we all know just how vivid my imagination is. At last the
fondling was over and I was left to be with my thoughts while the doctor
reviewed the ultrasound photos.
Moments
passed in my clockless examination room as I sat there staring at the “Peace
Dove” portrait hanging on the wall. In came the doctor with a look on his face
that seemed terrible (hindsight he probably either had gas, or it was me
projecting my fear into him).
Doc: “Malina, is it?”
Me: “yes”
Doc: “I’m Dr. X (omitting name for
privacy) what you are feeling in your breast is a
benign cyst.”
I
am not sure what he said next… All I know is fireworks were going off in my
mind’s eye and I was ecstatic. I wondered if he could detect the utter and
total euphoric feelings that were exploding within me. His speech was quick.
The nurse told me I was free to go and closed the door behind me. I immediately
stood up proudly in my cape and raised both arms in triumph. I even took a
victory lap in the examination room and watched as I passed the mirror as the
cape was flying after me. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I felt like a
superhero at that instant.
I
can only hope that every single other women that crosses the threshold of that
breast care center today had as good of results as I did. And to the women I know
that have faced their battles and triumphantly are on the other side of cancer;
congratulations. I now know what it feels like to be on the cusp of something
earth shattering. I was fortunate to slip away unscathed.
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